The ‘Preparations’ Nobody Relishes

[Ron H]

Sorry for the doom & gloom post. I’m dealing with the final resting place for my folks and their beloved pets cremated remains after some 8-years, since my mother passed on. Her wish was to be laid to rest with her pets. This complicates things a bit. They’ve been residing upstairs.

Anyway, my wife and I have talked about how we should be handled when we go so our kids don’t have to deal with it. Discussing our folk’s arrangements at a funeral home yesterday, we started this rolling to meet again about it. Thought I’d toss this out to ask how others may have made these arrangements, if they have, looking for thoughts, advice, etc.
Thanks

 

[toolmanmike]

Having a permanent resting place is good for the survivors (obviously). It gives you a place to visit where if you scatter the ashes across a field or in a lake, that person's remains aren't really there it seems. We divided Mom and Dad up for the survivors that wanted and still had plenty to scatter and bury. I can't imagine burying cremains of Mom and her pets would be an issue. You could ask the cemetery if separate containers could be buried or simply combine thee cremains in the ame urn. Sorry for your loss.

 

[1967coronet]

Yes Ron , sorry.
Rules may vary by location.
The cemetery we delt with my wife purchased 1 plot/spot and can bury the Cremains of her mom and dad both on the one spot and also place the grave stone with both names.
This just recently came up for us as her brother just passed last month and he had their folks Cremains , my wife wishes now to do the stone and bury them.
We have purchased our plots but do not yet have the stone, something we do need to get done so it's finished.
I'm letting the kids pay for my bbq as they owe me big time.

 

[68BabyBlue]

A close friend who is our age went through this recently, also had the ashes for a few years, while considering options. His family went back for generations in my locale, but his parents, and all their surviving kids had moved to California in the 80s. A brother who had died at 24 was buried in a local cemetery back in PA. My friend was hoping to have one spot for the survivors to visit, where the deceased had spent their lives, but after spending a day in the cemetery, and failing to locate his brother's grave site, he changed plans.

His dad was a veteran, so instead he elected to place the ashes of both his parents in a mausoleum in a military cemetery in California, making it easy for survivors to locate the site if they chose. Hope you find the option that works for you, Ron. I'm usually pretty good at planning this kind of thing, but still haven't come up with a final resolution for me or my wife.

 

[#41]

We have not made arrangements yet, but my folks did and it was the last great gift from them. In your time of stress and sorrow, having everything already arranged already for your loved ones is very relieving. It is one of the final important things you can do for yourself and your family.

 

[patrick66]

First off, Ron, I'm very sorry for your loss.

My wife and I, along with my two adult sons, sat down recently and discussed this. I'm a born and bred Colorado boy, fourth generation (from before statehood!), so I want to be scattered out off the Grand Mesa, at a point called Land's End. The view is truly spectacular! My wife, well, she wants to be scattered off the Maine coast. She absolutely fell in love with that place after visiting last year.

If you are former military and have an honorable discharge, you can have your ashes buried at sea. You don't have to be USN or USCG, either. Any servicemember can have this done, free of charge. My Uncle and his son were taken care of in this way. You provide the USN with the ashes. They have a ceremony involving several others, and they'll advise when they'll perform the ceremony, along with a lat/long coordinate, so that you know where it occurred. Always thought that was a very moving and honorable service to provide.

 

[440+6]

This is hard for most!
Easy for me.... been here a long time and when im gone.....well Im done, I don't want to just take up any more space.
Cook me to a crisp and just mix it up with my old dog Chuy.
Just set us free into any of the great lakes, it dosent matter, i love them all.
Thats all I ask for!
Nothing more!
Two pics... white dog is Chuy!
brrown dog is my now best friend Bruno!
Hope he will join us someday also.
You never know really but lets hope so!

 

[Ron H]

My mom had bought two urn-plots at a huge memorial park back in '07. Not cheap, $2500. My dad passed in '11 and mom wanted a resting site nearer to where she lived. My dad had said just scatter his ashes at his favorite golf course. He was a hoot, did not want any service saying why would I want people to come see my corpse when they didn't want to see me when I'm alive? Well, he made it to 94 and all his buddies were already gone. But, my mother wanted him with her. Meantime she asked me to sell those, no takers, and several funeral homes wouldn't even accept them free as a donation! That was surprising. Then my mother passed in '15. The hitch is all her pet's remains to fit and the deal about not accepting pet remains. I'm thinking who gives a flying - F. I'd rather be buried with pets than I would set next to some a-hole, lol.
So, in all this hassle got to thinking again wife and I should have this all set so our daughters aren't dealing with it.

 

[Dennis H]

Running around the Country with Ashes seems a request I would not make. Simple. 1-800 FISHFOOD. Box on porch. Don’t care after that. Maybe the trunk of the Coronet and don’t tell the next owner. Make sure you know, request, and pay for what you wish. In advance. Or it may not happen. Put it in writing along with the receipts.

 

[Ron H]

I want to be scattered out off the Grand Mesa, at a point called Land's End. The view is truly spectacular!

Yeah, for me I’d like to have my ashes scattered in a nice place to feed the earth or maybe have some critter eat those and **** them out, lol. Either way, it’s earth feed and doubt I’m gonna give a – ****. Well, I did grant part of my dad’s wish, took out a ¼ cup of him and scattered them on a fairway some years back when I was still golfing.

It is a thing with me to try to honor their wishes whether it makes any difference. So will figure out some plan. My dad was a WWII vet so may see about a vet cemetery. Thanks

 

[chargervert]

I bought the wife a 96 Indy Ram, and she bought me a cemetery plot! Isn't love grand!

 

[ckessel]

We are going for the BBQ arraignment with Neptune. Who ever is around will toss the ashes out into the ocean. Already have a trust setup for the proceeds, only one relative is worth a poop, the others wouldn't give us the time of day unless they got paid. Everything is in a, basically, instruction book for what to do/when to do happens. Since we've both gone through our parents passing and the ensuing mayhem from a family member suddenly changing directions, we had this done. There are procedures that need to happen in a specific order and timeframe when someone passes but unless you are exposed to this kind of stuff daily, most people have no clue on procedures. They are generally tied up with the obvious grieving. On my dad's deal, the jerk that drew up the trust and knew the procedures/timeframes, was not forthcoming with the info. It was like pulling teeth. We had more help from the ranch CPA. Whoever is going to be a trustee or recipient needs to get the trust/will ahead of time, updated so there is no question about what/who/where. That way all know what. As we found out from our prior dealings, it's better to have an outside trustee that is unknown to members, so they are then neutral. Having a family member designated as the trustee is not a good idea. The trustee gets paid by the trust to do the deeds and having a relative do it instead creates friction. Why is so and so getting paid all of this money etc? Don't go there. Of course the trustee needs to be legit and not a thief. When my brother got knocked off as the trustee, do to him being a dick etc, the first court appointed one got busted for embezzling, not us thankfully, because she had massive gambling problems.
As a side funny about the Neptune Society. Down in the east San Diego area, Flynn Springs, there is a Neptune facility right next to the Jack In The Box fast food. I would tell people there was an underground tunnel between them and Jack got their Burgers that way. MMMMMM!

 

[GetX'd]

I was up in Mpls a few yrs ago on one of my several annual trips up there to see family, friends, play poker and go fishing up north etc. I was tripping around with one of my buddies one day (the guy I sold the X to) and he starts cruising these two cemeteries very near my homestead. Oh boy the stories we could tell about our carousing in those places at night when growing up. A lot of people we know are buried there and many more are going to be buried there. Several mausoleums and chapels in both as well as very well kept grounds. His mom is in a wall in one of them. He wanted to show me the spot. For some reason that triggered me to thinking….

All but two of the 7 boys were military and will be residing in Fort Snelling in Mpls. My parents had purchased plots for themselves the 2 girls and my one other brother that died a very tragic death at 31, at a Catholic cemetery on the outskirts of the metro area. As usual they left me to fend for myself. Thinking nothing of my feelings about not being w/them and the others. I’ve always had clear intentions about being at rest in my hometown v any of the various places I’ve lived. And I damn sure have never even remotely considered residing in this God forsaken heathen state. So when running around that day my mind started to roll on what exactly to do. I’d never given it much thought on specifics.

We happened to run into one of the mgmt group at the cemetery most likely so I set about querying her details. Types of locations, available locations and some associated cost details. Bottom line I bought a double size two sided curved glass enclosure w/urns and space for display of personal items from your life inside one of the chapels. Thx to @kiwigtx I already have an exact replica of my X to go in there w/other items. A complicating factor was my wife is VN from Saigon. Her family members all reside in their Catholic Church in Saigon after passing - As I didn’t think it appropriate to have my wife’s ashes only secured in my hometown - the cold and blustery Mpls - I thought to split each of our ashes and have them sent to Saigon w/family, so half will reside in Mpls and the other half in the family church in Saigon. She was very happy w/that idea. So was I that I could make her happy with the dual solution. I’ve documented all in our trust, laid out in detail for executors.

When the sales lady asked me how I felt finalizing such emotional arrangements - I told her - “This is why I’m doing it all now - I’ve no emotions spent on this - It’s just business to me right now”.

 

[1 Wild R/T]

All I got...

 

[dadsbee]

Just don't ask or tell. When we put Mom in beside Dad we added my Sister at the same time without the cemetery knowing. My Brother's best friend from highschool owns the tombstone place and Chris just picked it up and added Wendy's name to the back side, which works really nice at it faces the cross road. Pets would be no different, just add them in on your own. Dropped by for a beer while "home" 2 weeks ago.

 

[GetX'd]

I want to add a bit of levity to an otherwise downer type of thread. My earliest and best friend up in my hometown of Mpls - we met in kindergarten and stayed life long pals. Well he passed a couple of years ago from lung cancer. A lot of animosity and disagreement between his family and his wife about how to handle arrangements. Charlie was never one to plan a head on anything - he was always a “wing and a prayer” kind of guy - absent the prayer….

So ultimately he was cremated. His wife (well known to be a bimbo and a douche) refused all overtures by the family and insisted they have - from what friends tell me - an incredibly cheesy sort of an on-site service at this cemetery in NE Mpls, fittingly right on our main line city cruise and drag strip - Central Ave. No one was invited by her - just for family. But Charlie was a wonderfully great guy and had many, many friends - of which plenty just showed up. It was outside in the snow and cold. So she puts up a boom box up and starts playing some old songs. Then she took his ashes and literally dumps them from a box on the ground on top of his parent’s plot. That was it - besides the well attended celebration of life at the local watering hole.

What she didn’t know was our pal team up there has always had/has a lot of connections. Charlie’s brother had gone to the mortuary guy which we have also grown up with and cuts a behind the scenes arrangement. The deal was to provide Charlie’s wife with some leftover ashes from wherever/whomever and present them as Charlie’s. He then gave the real cremation ashes to the brother to take care of as the family wished and what they felt Charlie would have wanted. Which he “appropriately” did. I had called into the celebration of life drunken party at the watering hole to check in with Charlie’s brothers and some other friends. I got the real deal straight from the horses mouth. Supposedly only about 3/4 of us know the skinny on this - but how many of you guys know Charlie B from Mpls? A great and absolutely true story - and nothing more befitting for my old pal - May he rest in peace….

 

[dadsbee]

Our Daughter is still hanging out with us at home. Something we have to do something about, in time...

 

[Ron H]

Our Daughter is still hanging out with us at home.

So very sorry for your loss. NOTHING worse than losing a child. As you say she is with you to determine her place of final rest, this is what prompted me to address a final resting place for my folks as for years I had no concern one way or the other, they were just here. But, as we’re getting old (already old) thought about what happens when we’re done? Have the kids deal with them and us?

Was why I posted looking for what others here have done or have planned. Some great ideas and appreciate the replies.

 

[ckessel]

You'll know when its time.